How Hogwarts Got Swabbed
by lampfghgh
Summary: The nonsense story to combat my writers block. The story of the odd relationship between two almost pirates. Written purely to get me out of my writers block, though it is quite funny.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Karate Kid, or anything else but the plot in this story dears.**

**This really is only a oneshot to get the juices flowing, because I'm having a tid bit of trouble with the update for _Auctions and Dignity._ I usually write out my writers block and that's what I'm doing now. Yay!**

**Bare in mine that this is _supposed_ to be utter nonsense.**

**After all, what better to inspire, than nonsense?**

"Gosh darn it all captain! You have swabbed these decks incorrectly again!"

Oh, sorry. My name's Blaise Zabini, and i usually talk to myself about pirates. Although, why a captain would be swabbing is beyond me, but i am fully prepared to have a long argument about the correct way to swab decks.

It's an important issue.

Anyway, i was walking along the charms corridor, wondering where i could pick up a reliable eye patch, when i saw her.

A girl not in my house, what was her name? Draco had often called her quite a few little names, but i don't think she'd appreciate me calling her 'ball of filthy droppings with hair and bogeys coming out her-'

"Hello." She said.

I went to put my hands into my pockets in a nonchalant pose, when i realized my pockets were in my other robes.

So unreliable, never there when i need them.

So instead, i had to settle for standing there with my arms limp.

"Hello." I said back and she didn't move from her position on the floor.

She looked..._interesting _to say the least. Although it was a good kind of interesting if you made your way past the slightly bizarre earrings. What were they meant to be anywho?

"What are you doing on the floor?" I asked and she looked up at me.

"Well, i was inspecting these floors for any signs of Nargles, but i suspect they've covered up their trails." She nodded at me. "Very sneaky, nargles."

I nodded too, wondering if her insanity was contagious.

I bent down and sat on the floor next to her, then gasped at something on the floor.

She almost flew across my lap to see what i was gasping at.

"DID YOU FIND ANY?!"

I shook my head.

"I've found something worse than nargles."

She looked at the floor so closely it was like she was trying to find some sort of philosophy embedded in the floor.

Perhaps about cookies.

Cookies are gods.

"These floors." I said in a choked voice. "Have not been _swabbed."_

She looked at me as if i was the crazy one.

"Well of course not!" She said and i gasped again.

"You're against swabbing?"

"No, but we can't expect Filch to swab these floors, he wouldn't understand the true method."

I nodded.

"Wax on, wax off."

The girl extended her hand.

"My name's Luna Lovegood."

I shook it.

"Blaise Zabini."

Luna then reached into her piles of what seemed like never ending hair, and produced her wand.

She stood up and held the wand in a gallant pose as if she was saving the world.

"Right!" She said enthusiastically. "Let's get-a swabbing!"

I stood up next to my newfound heroin.

You know, in the hero sense. I don't think she's an illicit substance.

I eyed her earrings carefully.

Then again...

I shook myself from my thoughts and got out my own wand.

From it's holster, not from my hair. I'm almost bald.

She created for us, two brooms, and a bucket of water and soap.

"OH JOY!" I shouted, hardly containing my glee.

She clapped her hands together and looked teary eyed at the bucket, and then at me.

"Isn't it just the most beautiful thing ever?"

I nodded and held a broom in my hand, and with my right hand, (Called Miss Patricia) I grabbed Luna's hand.

"LET US SWAB!"

We ran down the hallway together for hours, swabbing and cleaning the floors to perfection, waxing on and off in a way that would have made that Karate master proud.

Whom I've never heard of, being a wizard and all...Heh...

Miss Patricia and Mr. Leonardo (I'm sorry, you've not met my left hand, his name is Mr. Leonardo, and he and Miss Patricia used to date, but he cheated on her with my receding hair line, Miss Swift.) Anyway, i clasped my two hands together in happiness and turned to Luna.

"It's perfect!"

And it was, we could see our reflection in the floors.

She nodded and then somehow managed to fit my broom, her broom, the bucket of water and the wand back into her hair.

What a woman!

"Now what do we do?" She asked and i shrugged.

"Well, i was about to go and fetch a reliable eye patch, know where i could get one?" I asked and she tilted her head in thought.

"I'm sure we'll be able to find one." She smiled shyly at me.

What the heck?

Shyly? Why was she smiling shyly? Did we not just spend hours swabbing together?

**(A/N: DIRTY MINDED PEOPLE. XD 'Specially me.)**

Ohhh.

Smiling SHYLY.

Now i get it. Wink wink, Nudge nudge.

I pointed at her accusingly, with a mad grin on my face.

"You fancy me!"

She looked shocked.

"DO NOT!"

"DO TOO!"

She shook her head and a sparrow fell out.

Odd.

"DO NOT!"

I winked at her and she stuck her tongue out at me.

"I'm going to go and get an eye patch for MYSELF." She huffed and then stormed down the freshly swabbed corridor.

I ran after her and jumped on her back, making her piggy back me.

All arguments were forgotten.

Piggy backs can create peace.

In fact, that's how we should end world hunger! Global warming! Make peace break out!

Piggy backs!

"Avast captain!" I yelled and she collapsed under my weight so that she was lying underneath me and i was ontop of her.

She blushed and smiled shyly again.

"Do too." She admitted and i blushed.

"Me too."

We were about to kiss, when i had a sudden revelation, and reached into her hair and fished around.

After i pulled out a birthday cake, a chair, a potion vile, Lord Voldemort (So that's where he was hiding) i finally found something that put a jump in my step.

AN EYE PATCH!

Instead of being all black, as eye patches usually are, the letters 'LL' Were engraved on it.

I put it on over my right eye, named Miss Iris and grinned down at Luna.

"I shall wear it always! As a symbol of our swabbing!"

She grinned and somehow managed to push me off of her and stood up, pulling me up as well.

Check out the muscles on her!

We walked down the hall together with joined arms.

Finally, someone who knew how to swab.

The end.

**WAIT. THAT'S IT!**

**Believe it or not, this did actually inspire me. XD You wont see any of this in the new chapter of _Auctions and Dignity_ though. I don't use things twice. XD**

**Well, there it was, a chapter of nonsense, though hopefully, it at least made you laugh.**

**At me or with me, I'm okay with that.**

**Go on, make the eye patch happy. Review!**


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